Bike Traps: What kind of sick mind thought this one up?

How does this happen to a manhole? I guess a crack forms, years of corrosion work on it, relentless traffic wears it down more, battalions of Red Guards parade over it, wet seasons come and go, road crews pretend it's not there and partially cover it with asphalt (or bitumen, I love saying that word with a British accent) ... until it looks like this - a craggy, sinister bike trap.



This one couldn't be in a worse place. You come upon it after making a hard right turn between these two overpass pillars. You'll usually have a container truck on your tail or one of those pesky gray micro vans trying to squeeze by you on the left just as you're threading the pillars and trying to steer clear of the trap on the right.

Crash & Punch: The last chapter ... probably

It seems the crash-and-punch drama is finally over. I know I've said that before, but this time it appears to be true.

The expat met with the police to pay the rest of the money to the "victim." Originally, he was ordered to pay 20,000 RMB (about US$2,930). He paid half of that after the incident. When the expat went to the police station to fork over the rest, he was told that he would only have to pay 4,000 RMB (US$585) more. Really good news.

Part of this sum was compensation to the guy for a month's lost wages. Yes, the guy claimed he would need to take a month off from work to recover from his injuries and the trauma. He's a construction worker who claims his annual salary is 30,000 RMB (US$4,393).

The guy didn't show up at that police station to collect the money. He had his daughter represent him. He probably was afraid he wouldn't be able to repress the laugh he'll be laughing all the way to his bank.

Bikes: Need to haul 12 water cooler bottles?

I see guys pedaling these water cooler bikes every day. I keep telling myself that one day, I'm going to ask if I can borrow one for a spin.



The water bike guys are usually in their 30s and 40s - too old for factory jobs. Factory bosses usually only hire workers in their 20s, and job ads usually specify that applicants should be female. Men are too hard to control on the factory floor.



Ahh, my favorite part - pedals made of rebar. I found a shop that sells them and bought a few of them for gag gifts.



This rig was made by Guangzhou's biggest bike builder, the "Wu Yang" or "Five Rams" company. The ram is the city's improbable mascot. Legend has it that five celestial beings descended from heaven on five rams and they gave the locals stems of rice that would keep the area free from famine.

Crash & Punch: A phone call

A follow up to last week's drama involving the expat who hit a local cyclist:

The expat said that for the first time since the incident, he wasn't in pain when he woke up this morning. He did visit the guy he punched in the hospital. When he walked into the guy's room, the guy was laughing and sitting up in bed smoking. But when the guy saw the expat, he suddenly started feeling unwell and had to lay down.

The guy's daughter called the expat's wife and said that after hearing the expat's side of the story, the family realizes that the scuffle wasn't entirely the expat's fault. She said that at the time, her father didn't know that the expat hit a guy who was going up the hill the wrong way. He only saw the expat smacking the idiot bike rider on the head while trying to leave the crash scene.

Does this mean the expat doesn't have to pay the hefty amount of compensation? Nope.

Folding Fetish: One of the weirdest cycling subcultures

Sometimes I'll be on a long solo ride laboring against a strong headwind. I'll see someone up ahead in a proper bike kit, and I'll start thinking, "Ahhh, maybe it'll be someone who can take turns pulling with me." But when I get closer, I realize that ...aaggghhhhhh...it's another one of those folding bike dudes!



There's a big group of them in Guangzhou. I think the folding bike is the second most popular type of rig in the city, after the rusty, grimy dinged-up work bikes ridden by migrants. On some Sundays, many of the folding bike fans get all decked out in Euro team outfits, and they gather in the city's university district. They mostly seem to pose and prance around with their tricked-out, small-wheeled bikes. Some of them even bring their girlfriends with them to snap photos.



I got a kick out of this guy. He's a rebel all right.



I guess when I see these guys in their Euro team kits riding those miniature bikes, I kind of feel the same way a Harley rider probably feels when he sees a guy decked out in leather on a moped. Maybe I'm a bike snob.



The cool thing is that many Chinese - well, not that many actually - now have the leisure time and income to indulge themselves with such hobbies. Life isn't all about posting rip-roaring GDP numbers. It's about finding time to get out and do something fun and interesting. As more and more Chinese can do this, the country will be a much nicer place to live in.

Tips: Never throw a punch in China

I got a text message today from another expat cyclist in Guangzhou. It said, "I crashed my bike against another cyclist going the wrong way and I slapped his head. A bystander intervened. He hit me and so I punched him. He went down. Now I am in police custody."

I called him and found out the situation was much more serious. He sent the text from a hospital, where he was being treated for possible injuries to internal organs. He wasn't able to talk long, but he said that he was still in police custody at the hospital. The details of the incident are still sketchy.

I'm completely sympathetic. I've been in the same situation many times before, and I struggled to maintain my cool. This rider said he was descending a small mountain when he hit the cyclist who was "salmoning" - one of the national pastimes of cyclists in China. I can't tell you how many times I've been climbing or descending and had to find my way around someone who was riding against traffic. You would think that it was the responsibility of the salmon to find safe passage around the person going the right way. But that's not how it works in China. It's one of the few times a Chinese cyclist will hold his line, i.e. when the line really belongs to you.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. The point I want to make is that it is NEVER a good idea for a foreigner to hit a Chinese person - NO MATTER WHAT THEY HAVE DONE. It's dumb for two reasons:

1. Cyclists look ridiculous in a fistfight. We're wearing clippity cloppety cleated shoes and Spandex that looks cool on the bike but extremely dorky on the road in a fistfight. If you don't believe me, check this out.

2. In China, a Chinese person can rape your women, burn down your home and key the new paint job on your Colnago ... but if you hit him, oh man, you're in big trouble. I know a guy whose crazy Chinese neighbor threw his wife's bike off the top of the apartment complex. He confronted the Chinese guy, things quickly got heated, he punched the Chinese guy and pinned him to the ground. Before he knew it, the Chinese guy called the police and the foreign guy had to write a mea culpa "self criticism" letter and pay a small fine to his lunatic neighbor. The police weren't at all interested in hearing about how the neighbor tossed the guy's wife's bike off the roof. They just focused on the fisticuffs.

I have another friend - a pretty strong bike rider, actually - who was on a training ride when he got doored and hit the ground really hard. As he was picking himself up, he noticed that a Chinese passenger in the car was laughing at him. He went over to the passenger and clocked him. Well, the police showed up at his house later and threatened to expel him from the country if he didn't apologize in writing and pay a fine.

The Chinese take assault very seriously, especially when a foreigner is doing the punching. As soon as you strike out, it doesn't matter what triggered it, you're guilty.